People and Calamity

The people in our lives...

The differences in people amaze me. The passions and lives of the ones around me bring a smile to my face. How unique are the lives different than my own. Sometimes, as I let my introverted side stage my reactions and initial impressions of new people, often I have no idea what they see and perceive of me. AND that is scary.
It's scary to think about how I carry myself and if who I say I am is truly represented. Selfishly, and in my humanity, of course I want people to like me, to laugh with me and to enjoy being around me. I have that moment... Oh goodness, will they still like me, if they find out X about me?

I think its a normal reaction.

As a child I would probe the friends who would come over for sleep overs for information.
Did you have fun, Do you like me, What did you like, Do you like me? I would over think about the things I didn't do right. Often trying to make up for them, apologizing rather than enjoying myself.

In my adulthood my reaction is subdued and sleek in its approach, yet similar to my childhood. I often rely on what I feel and what i want those around me to see. Secretly, still the desire to have people like me remains. But here is a different story.

I have a friend who is moving and today we had a goodbye lunch. As she was telling me about her move and the next stage of her life, she began to tell me how she remember's when we first met in Grad school. We laughed about the classes we took together and talked about the future. Taken back and surprised at what she said next, I learned something new.

"You know, you always had a smile on your face. You always asked me how I was doing and that really meant a lot to me". She proceeded to encourage both my bf and I about what's next for our lives, "God is good".

She is right... I do smile a lot. Often I smile because there are things in my heart just waiting to burst to the surface but I smile instead. This is what she saw. This is what she remembers and takes with her. She never paid attention to the things that I thought would disqualify me from friendship. The things I think from the outset which I believe people will reject me for, she never saw.

Mind Blown. It's the conversations in life over coffee, that change my perspective of myself, of who I want to be, of who I really am and how people love me just because I smile.